terence- thanks for always being there (: hope your exams went well (:
jiajun- haha, that one is called act cute ._.
hex- HELLO
lyd- hey bestie. dont worry. im not emo anymore. for now, at least =D love ya loads =D
LL- who are you? d= hahahaha
♥ MEL
12:17 AM
♥
im writing this post using the new ASUS Eee PC. how cool =D
it has been an interesting two days in Malacca.
didnt get a chance to emo much 'cos this was simply a dream come true
this trip was almost perfect. all the shopping, food and stuff.
apart from couple of stuff.
(1) my stupid cough it was really dumb. cos half the time i was coughing away. i look at the nice clothes in the shop coughcough. i pick a few to try on. coughcough.. i go up to the cashier to pay. coughcough. i happily take my bag of new clothes and walk out. coughcough.
ahh wells, this seriously sucks. cos 'O'level chinese oral is like, err, next week? wtf.
(2) moneymoneymoney so many things to buy, so little cash. i used up all the cash my mummy gave me for the trip. in addition, one visit to MANGO, and more money was spent. now i owe money. GREAT.
(3) stupid prepaid card i was only limited to 30 free overseas sms, cos they each msg cost a dollar. stupid service provider charge me so much ._. i hardly msged anyone. apart from my dear (: cos there was so little msges. must use sparingly,
and yeah, sorry to terence and reuben. i didnt reply your msges cos i was overseas (: dont angry hor (:
teehee, im in the car on the way back to singapore now. HOMESWEETHOME
oh boy, i missed home. sooooo much.
and there are so many people i miss too (:
anyways, i was thinking about a lot of things. since the holidays are coming to an end, prelims is on its way. and of course, the scariest of all.... 'O'levels.
there are like so many things that can cause problems.
well, if you cant solve the problem. get rid of it.
i used to have this problem. of not being able to get over this person.
ahh well, solving the problem is impossible. cos i'd only be satisfied if we got back together. but then again, that would not be a mutual compromise. cos im quite sure that its impossible. i finally see that even if both parties are willing, things might not still work out. what do we have in common now? nothing. NOTHING. whats the point?
and getting rid of the problem aint easy. it means forgetting. forgetting the person completely. it takes ages to delete the person from the mind. especially when the person meant something to you. or meant a lot to you.
haha, im talking all this crap again.
but well, i just wanna announce. i feel free. i've been so troubled and emo about it, i ought to laugh at myself in the face. why was i so stupid bout it. the answer was clear. it was impossible. but if you asked me if it was a mistake from the start. i'd say no. NEVER. i loved the mistake. but not anymore. the mistake caused too much pain and grief.
to the friends who are forever worried about me because of that, dearies, its okay now. im over “youknowwho” hahahaha yay! thanks for the concern all this while (: i love you guys so much! =D
im putting aside a lot of distractions. cos i finally see the importance of studying hard. of doing well (:
im going to focus on priorities. well, prolly gonna stop going on too many dates? stop playing too many computer games? stop watching too many movies? stop being glued to mtv? err, stop listening to my ipod 24/7?
hahahaha, seriously. this trip to malacca. everywhere i went, i had my ipod earphones plugged into my ears.
moods affect the songs i listen to:
HAPPY family force 5 son of dork treble charger blink 182 bowling for soup
EMO the veronicas yellowcard relient k silverstein
HIGH in a sleepy way ac/dc pantera the rolling stones iron maiden racer x led zeppelin metallica dragonforce megdeth
NEUTRAL the used story of the year weezer simple plan
okay, the emo wasnt really emo. but i was just thinking bout suicide again. not that i want to commit suicide. but well, was just thinking of the many ways to commit suicide. after that, i would feel high and listen to pantera. which is under the HIGH mood ._.
mood swings huh =.=
hahahaha! i know someone missed me alot! =D=D=D missed you toooooooo....! =D=D
teehee, loooong post. getting sleepy. gonna get some rest now (:
toodles
♥ MEL
12:15 AM
♥ Friday, June 13, 2008
ooooh today i tie two ponytails. sooooo cuuutteeeeee C= and i hug my baby bolster and suck my thumb
so cute =D
♥ MEL
6:56 AM
♥
Far away, I feel your beating heart All Alone, beneath the crystal stars Staring into space what a lonely face I'll try to find my place with you What a beautiful smile Can I stay for a while? On this beautiful night We'll make everything right My beautiful love My beautiful love Larger than the moon, my love for you Worlds collide as heaven pulls us through The secret of the world is written in the stars I'm carrying your heart in mine What a beautiful smile Can I stay for a while? On this beautiful night We'll make everything right My beautiful love Maybe a greater thing will happen Maybe all will see Maybe your love will catch like fire As it burns through me Maybe a greater thing will happen Maybe all will see Maybe your love will catch like fire As it burns through me Maybe a greater thing will happen Maybe all will see Maybe your love will catch like fire As it burns through me What a beautiful smile Can I stay for a while? On this beautiful night We'll make everything right What a beautiful smile Can I stay for a while? On this beautiful night We'll make everything right My beautiful lalalala love Lalalala love My beautiful lalalala love Lalalala love My beautiful love
Beautiful Love by The Afters
i am not emo.
i am a happy girl.
i am not lying to myself.
i am not indulging in self-denial.
i love myself.
i am insane.
and guys, dont worry.
i swear im fine now.
only feeling stupid about this morning's post.
like, why the hell did i feel so emo.
for nothing!
this world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful ((:
♥ MEL
6:40 AM
♥
Saturdays will never be the same It's even hard mentioning your name Lookin' back I don't know what went wrong But suddenly it's like I don't belong So how long must I wait? And how long must I stay? Please let me know how to live Cuz I don't ever wanna feel this way Again Nothing seems to matter anymore Why can't it be just like it was before? I hate you for the person I've become Take me back to where it all begun So how long must I wait? And how long must I stay? Please let me know how to live Cuz I don't ever wanna feel this way Again Let me know, how to live Let me know So how long must I wait? And how long must I stay? Please let me know how to live Cuz I don't ever wanna feel this way Again
How Long by The Veronicas
it's been a week since i last posted.
an emo post.
well, dont worry people. im not emo today.
today is.... a normal day. a day i will remain neutral.
i'll try.
the day didnt begin off really well.
thinking about things im not supposed to think about. as usual.
and suddenly, listening to this song by the veronicas. i just feel like crying.
why am i always feeling so weak nowadays.
what happened to good ol' mel? the one that will stand strong and calm no matter what. the one who used to find crying very hard.
i swear, its not only the lack of money thats causing me so much grief. its not the problem with self identity. it has nothing to do with me stalking people by reading their blogs secretly.
i dont even know why i feel like crying.
it has nothing to do with missing someone really badly.... or does it....?
whats the meaning of the word "FOREVER"
FRIENDS FOREVER. i will be your best friend forever and ever. we will share secrets. we will share experiences. we will share happiness and sorrows. forever and ever. we'll attend each others weddings and funerals. wtf.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER. i love you forever and ever. we will always be together. we will not separate no matter what. we will go thru thick and thin together. we will share all our joys and sorrows. till death do us part.
LETS LIVE FOREVER. we will grow old together. we will grow white hair together. we will play chinese chess at the park everyday together when we grow old. we will die together. we will meet in heaven. we will reunite there and live there forever. together.
is forever enough?
why does such stupid word even exist?
oh great, i dont even know what the hell im typing.
why am i always like this. why cant i just stop thinking so much. why cant i just be myself again. the mel without so much troubles. the mel that didnt used to be so emo. the mel that would smile everyday. the mel that would cheer people up.
now its like, people are all trying to cheer me up instead.
whats wrong with me.
"dont worry, everything will be alright" thats what everyone says.
how can anything be alright? in this fucked up world.
great, now im turning stupid again.
this morning i was just telling my friend not to be emo. emo is bad.
why the fuck am i being emo now.
MEL is a stupid word.
mel stands for Moronic Emo Loser.
ahh, thats me. the moronic emo loser.
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BELIEVE. believe in myself. is that even possible?
whats the possibility of that being possible?
the smile that makes me melt inside. kill me while i still believe that you were meant for me.
hearing this words, i cant help but let my tears run down my cheeks.
listen to rough draft by yellowcard. friends, tell me if you cry upon hearing it.
cos i cried.
the voice that makes me cry. light up the sky for me.
i ought to slap myself. how do i stop tears from coming out.
i just feel like hugging someone and let my tears flow out freely.
to just be myself for once, let my tears flow out. let my heart bleed till it bleeds no more. till it turns to stone.
regrets....
so many regrets. so many 'sorry's
its not good enough. everything i regret, how can i make it up to set my mind at ease.
we hoped for the best. and let go of the rest. shadows and regrets. let go of the rest....
everything has changed. faces stay the same.
the expression on my face, never changes. the smile i have.... never stays.
WISHLIST:
1. to be who i was back then 2. to be able to smile everyday without having feel emo a single bit 3. to be able to just stay happy and complication-free
nothing else matters to me.
i dont care about money anymore. i dont care about my own feelings anymore.
i dont care about anything.
i just care that i want to be back to normal.
its all my own fault. i started everything. i cant let go of it. i cant throw it away. i cant get rid of it.
in this error, i hurt alot of people.
the people who care for me. the people who love me for who i am. who i WAS, rather.
i am afraid. i am scared i can never find myself again. im afraid i cannot find my direction again.
i want to hide. run away to a secret place. so you'll never ever see my face. ever again.
i am afraid right now. what if i cant get out. what if i dont want to be saved. this is being afraid. i hear you. but i dont see your face. why do we keep this up why do we live like us. when there is nothing left to save will you be afraid. i am afraid right now what if you let me down....
save me.... from me....
remove these razors from my heart. pull them out one by one.
fuck. another emo post -_-
whisper in my ear "let my light up the sky. light it up for you"
♥ MEL
6:21 AM
♥ Friday, June 06, 2008
is there a moment in time you hate yourself.
hate yourself so much you really want to kill yourself.
slap your forehead and scold yourself stupid.
whats the point of living in this world....
whats the point of being alive....
whats the point of being happy....
its all stupid.
fuck this world.
i hate myself.....
can i just kill myself and disappear from everyone's lives tomorrow....
p.s: im sorry.....
♥ MEL
7:50 AM
♥
firstly, an apology to two of my dear friends. one is my dearest brother. the other, my best friend.
im sorry things turned out this way. or if i was the cause of this in some way or another.
and thanks for being so forgiving. even though you have asked me not to be angry and that things are okay now, i still feel really bad. im sorry.
lest i forget, i really wanna tell you guys.
i was really kinda stuck in the middle. cos one's my bro and the other's my best friend.
well, i guess we shall leave this aside for now. matters solved.
but life still sucks.
cut my wrist, and black my eyes.
have you ever considered what is with those goths?
GOTHIC FASHION.
hah, sounds cool huh. the word 'goth'.
associating it with - fishnet stockings - black and red clothing theme - thick eyeliner - bright red lipstick - long emo-y hair
oh wait, that exactly describes a goth huh.
not me, dont worry (:
EMO
what the hell is emo? why do people feel emo? why do i feel emo?
an emotion, a feeling that i cant kick away. it keeps coming back. practically everyday, im 70% emo.
curling up in a corner and crying is not emo.
emo is when i dont feel like smiling. when i dont feel like doing anything. but lie in bed. stare at the ceiling. blast dropdead, gorgeous or lamb of god.
and i swear. i get high listening to that.
please contain your shock, or excitement. this is just the beginning.
i cover my face with the pillow. think of ways i can kill myself.
then, i click my ipod and play a suicidal song.
i think about suicide.
i think about how life would be better thrown away.
i think about how the world would be better off without a fking loser like me.
the penknife doesnt turn me on. i stare at my medicine.
if i randomly take some pills, will i die?
or maybe i should just swallow them all. and die of an overdose.
IM CONFUSED.
im freaking confused. i dont know what im doing with my life. its getting so complicated. even advice from friends dont help. im just so confused.
i dont know who i am.
i look in the mirror. see this fugly being. is that me, i ask myself. then i feel this urge to slash myself.
WHO AM I?
i really dont know what im doing with my life. i dont know what i want to do. i dont know why im still living ._.
a beautiful smile, my beautiful love.
stupid itunes always playing stupid songs. stupid songs that will make me cry.
they say its better to just cry out. but the thing is, i feel like such a heartless monster.... i cant cry out >_<
what is going on in me?
i feel like im turning into this person. this monster, in fact.
its power consuming me.
eating up my brain.
taking me as its stupid slave.
i cant fight back.
cos im getting so absorbed.
commitment. to studies. to work. to your passion. to your family. to your friends. to that special someone you love.
is commitment really that hard?
i already know the answer.
this world sucks. my life sucks.
i suck.
i hate myself.
im still asking myself.
who exactly am i...........
done on 5th June 2008
♥ MEL
6:26 AM
♥
Sometimes the weather seems nice, sometimes it doesnt
as the saying goes, never judge a book by its cover.
well, as much as book covers are deceiving, so are people.
when i smile at someone, i sometimes ask myself.
am i really smiling cos im happy?
most of the time, smiling is just a mask.
a facade covering the real actually feeling deep down inside.
smiling doesnt mean anything. half the photos i take shows me smiling. i mean, who doesnt smile for photos man.
but in every photo, do i really mean the smile when i smile?
during chinese new year, everyone smiles. of course they do, all the angpows and money.
but these smiles? they arent real. most of the time. when grandparents enjoy having their grandchildren surround them and take photographs together, yes, of course the grandparents are happy. in fact, they are elated. which elderly wouldnt wanna have their beloved grandchildren around them.
pity the kids. they are always made to smile in every photo.
the parents will always say "come over, come over! take photo with granny. 1,2,3 smile!"
SMILE. a bloody fake smile.
smiles are useless. whats the point of smiling.
not as if smiling can make you richer. for cases like chinese new year, yes.
other than that, there isnt a need to smile.
now i sound so bloody stupid. as if every smile is fake ._.
thinking about it, sometimes smiling is good.
cheers a person up. brings smiles on other people's faces. changing the whole atmosphere.
you walk down orchard road, you dont smile at everyone you walk past, do you?
but look at things this way, if you did randomly smile to some, they might smile back.
wont this make your day a nicer and better one? who likes to look at grim faces everyday anyway ._.
when you smile at your friends, most of the time its only out of courtesy.
come'n man, imagine this.
i go to school. SMILE.
i walk into my class, see my friends. SMILE.
sit down at my seat. SMILE.
time for morning assembly. sing school song. SMILE.
walking back to class. SMILE.
teacher starts lessons. SMILE.
teacher thanks class, walks out. SMILE.
table partner asks you math question. SMILE.
recess time, eat food. SMILE.
go toilet to pee. SMILE.
back to lessons, teacher doing live demonstration of dissecting frog. SMILE.
end of school, packing up. SMILE.
take bus home. SMILE.
get off bus, walk home. SMILE.
open door. SMILE.
see mother. SMILE.
go bathe. SMILE.
waste the whole damn afternoon away. SMILE.
at night, brushing teeth. SMILE.
lie down in bed, getting ready to fall asleep. SMILE.
sleeping, SMILE
and the whole stupid process repeats again the next day.
oh yes, smiling is great. your jaw's gonna break.
and all the people in your school will think you're a fucking lesbian. well, if you're in a single sex school, that is. either that, or they might think you got a crush on a teacher?
or worst still, your fucking mouth is glued in that retarded position.
okay, this sounds really harsh huh ._.
but well, this is fact.
theres no reason to smile. smiling at your friends, its only a gesture to show that you acknowledge their presence.
smiling at your parents. thats another way of saying "thanks for feeding me from young. i am now a healthy teen. you might wanna increase my monthly allowance and fuck off trying to invade my privacy. i swear i dont have a boyfriend"
smiling at your teacher "teacher, see im so courteous. exam must mark more leniently!"
smiling at interviewers during an interview "fuckshit. dont keep asking me questions. just sign that damned paper and hire me"
smiling at your friends "hello. i am your friend. you might wanna buy me lunch"
smiling at yourself in the mirror "oh fuck, im so bloody ugly. but maybe if i smile more, i'll look like a goddamned angel. and maybe i'll become a head turner"
come on, people. SMILE.
for fuck's sake, smiling aint that bad huh. oh, in fact. its a perfect tool.
to cheat your family. cheat your friends. and most importantly, yourself.
and im really sorry if i sound superbly vulger. heres a smile to make up for it : D
when you're happy, is there really a need to smile?
i mean, happy. so what?
to spread happiness, just go chill out in your room. blast some silverstein.
that aint good enough?
grab a couple of beer? wine? sparkling juice?
invite couple of friends over. have a stayover party.
dont do silly things.
dont go out and catch a movie. dont go out and celebrate with your friends over lunch.
come on, all those are so fake.
celebrating over lunch. yeah, as if you will feel happy that you're wasting your cash over some stupid lunch
okayye.... not that im saying you guys should EMO. nothing wrong with that anyway. but you must bear in mind that you dont need to smile all the time.
and this sounds so bloody brainwashing. i swear i aint trying to brainwash you. or sound like some emo kid with a fucked up life (tho most of the time i think thats what i am)
and i realised this post is rather long. and typed with no singlish.
been long since i had such posts huh.
but i enjoy typing them.
and hell, its takes alot of inspiration to get this whole thing going.
alot of braincells are killed in this process, so please appreciate my post.
and dont SMILE.
thank you.
toodles (:
done on 31st May 2008
♥ MEL
6:23 AM
ME ♥
MEL THE GREAT ♥
how many great people on earth do you know?
MELMELMEL ♥
17yo.
09.01.1992.
pei chun public school. class of 2004.
cedar girls seconday school. class of 2008.
anderson junior college. class of 2010.
